Song Parodies - Vandread Style!
by Rift1
Summary: When Hibiki can't make up his mind, the three Vandread girls make it for him. Woohoo!!


Song Parodies: Vandread Style  
Faith By Limp Bizkit(Album Version): Hot Vandread/GK girl Remix  
Disclaimer: I do not own Vandread, Gatekeepers or the song. I just own the edited version. SO THERE.  
Tenchi. Ukiya. Hibiki Tokai. Keiichi. Kyoichi. These idiots - and may I add THE LUCKIEST idiots this side of the universe - have got it made. No less than three girls are fighting for their sorry asses, and they can't even decide, which makes us - the less-fortunate ones - seethe in anger at their stupidity - hence this fic, which summarily deals with two of these neanderthals in the most painful way possible.   
  
So kick back, relax - put up your feet. The infection known as Corruption Rift has only begun to spread.  
  
Quote of The Day: "And I did it all for the nookie. OW!" - Rift  
  
Scene: Rift's pad. A messy place - strewn with bullet casings, paper, ink and broken bokken fragments from too much 'practice'. Rift and Kurapika could be seen sitting in front of a television, playing Pokemon Stadium 2 on an old decrepit Nintendo 64 console.  
  
Kurapika:*wincing as Rift's Bayleaf trampled over his Caterpie* Um, Corruption - tell me again WHY we've been playing this - this - 'game' for the past few days?  
  
Rift:*cheering a little* It's Rift. And because this is the only fighting game I can find in all this junk. What, you want to play Kirby64 again?  
  
Kurapika:*shudders* No thank you. Couldn't you at least get Conker's Bad Fur Day? *sees his Caterpie sliced to ribbons* Aw, hell.  
  
Rift:*stands up* WHO'S YOUR DADDY!?! YEAH BITCH!! I WIN!! *struts around* Me da man! Me da man!  
  
Kurapika: O..kay. So that's 376 matches to 375 - and there's no end in sight. Rift, can we at least get another system?  
  
Rift: I'm open to it. Whaddaya want?  
  
Kurapika: Well, how about an X-box?  
  
Rift:*aghast* ARE YOU INSANE!? Why don't you just let me buy a gun and shoot myself in the head?  
  
Kurapika: Dead or Alive 3's fun!  
  
Rift: Not in this lifetime, bud. Go to hell, and take your giant X-Box with you. *sits back down and starts another match* This time, I'll go with....PIKACHU! THUNDER --  
  
*Both players jump as knocking - or rather, pounding - comes from the door*  
  
Rift:*shouting* I SAID THE PAYMENT'S IN THE MAIL!! DAMN YOU OBSCURE ELECTRIC COMPANY MONEYHOUNDS!!! I -  
  
Meia:*angry* What the hell are you talking about?!  
  
Rift and Kurapika:*looks at each other* Meia? Oh shit...  
  
Meia: Rift, open the goddamn door before we break it down! I MEAN NOW!!  
  
Rift: Okay, okay. Just a minute. *turns to Kurapika* Okay, nen-boy. Clean this place up.  
  
Kurapika: Damn. *eyes turn red, then all the trash disappears* Happy?  
  
Rift:*blinking* That was fast.   
  
Kurapika: I've had a lot of practice. Neon-sama can be a slob sometimes, really.  
  
Meia: RIFT!!  
  
Rift:*sitting back down* Okay, you can break in the door now.  
  
*And it happens. The door gives way, and six girls barge in - and in the worst state. Meia comes in, looking pissed, followed by Ruriko, then a teary-eyed Dita, a blushing Jura, and an irritated Kaoru and an amused Barnette- and they all look at the two hapless males playing Pokemon Stadium 2*  
  
Kurapika: Let's see you try that dirty trick one more time with my Moltres, Rift. SKY ATTACK!  
  
Rift: Ouch! Burned. *sees his Bayleaf die as Kurapika's Moltres roast it mercilessly* Fun.  
  
Meia/Dita/Jura/Ruriko/Kaoru: WELL?!?  
  
Rift:*not turning around* Well what?   
  
Kurapika: Focus, Rift, focus! I'm about to kick your ass!  
  
Rift: As if. GO, uh..um...Hoppip? Nuts.  
  
*The girls look at each other for a second, then Meia shoots the N64 with her ring, vaporizing it*  
  
Rift: CRAP! *jumps away*   
  
Kurapika: There goes the championship.  
  
Meia: Will you please listen now?   
  
Rift:*puzzled* I thought you six were just crashing here for the night.   
  
Dita:*wailing* Uuchujin-san doesn't like me anymore!!  
  
Ruriko: That Ukiya's gone too far this time! I mean, calling me Rurippe in front of the entire class!   
  
Rift: Oh. Men trouble. *facepalms* Damn. Well, um, why don't you folks sit yourselves at the sofa while Kurapika makes us some coffee.  
  
Kurapika: Coming right up, Rift.  
  
Kaoru:*looking around* Nice place you got here, Rift - first time I saw an author with a CLEAN house...  
  
Barnette:*looks around as well* Yeah, but your decorator...ugh. Fire him. Better yet, let me shoot him.   
  
Rift:*sarcastic* You're too kind. Now, if you'd just tell me what this is all about...  
  
*Kurapika comes in with a tray of coffee*  
  
Kurapika: Here you are, people.   
  
Rift:*sips his coffee, then spits it out* Hey! This is decaf, you imbecile!  
  
Kurapika: But the doctor said...  
  
Rift:*puts down coffee* Forget it. *turns to girls* You were saying?  
  
*And so, Rift and Kurapika silently listen as the five girls tell their stories, Barnette saying nothing as she was only tagging along, and it is already nine o' clock in the evening when they finish*  
  
Rift:*yawns* Okay...now what we got here is a regular, routine Tenchi Muyo syndrome. A guy can't choose between girls because - well, it's impossible. And either he finally chooses one, or not at all.  
  
Dita:*crying* Well, what can we do?  
  
Kurapika: Well, all you have to do is make 'em know that if he doesn't choose, then he can never choose. Like, he has only one chance.   
  
Jura: But how? I mean, it's not that we have OTHER boyfriends...  
  
Rift: Excuse me while I laugh at your last sentence. *laughs maniacally* HAHAHAHAHA!!!!  
  
Everyone except Rift and Kurapika: O_o;;;  
  
Kurapika: Oh, don't mind him. What we do is...*whispers into Meia's ear*  
  
Meia: And you're sure that'll work? I mean, it sounds...tiring...  
  
Kurapika: I've seen it in action before, and believe me, that guy who was the victim instantly chose one. You've nothing to lose...  
  
Barnette:*muttering*...except your dignity. Whatever you're planning to do.  
  
Rift:*recovering* Well, I'm sure Kurapika's hatched up a plan and told you about it. *looks at watch* We'll reconvene here at 0800 hours. *yawns* Well, nighty night. I'm off to sleep.  
  
Dita: Rift-san! Wait! Where'll we sleep?  
  
Barnette: And what about the Lingerie party we planned earlier?!  
  
Rift: Then use Kurapika's room - I'm sure he won't mind. *goes into his room and slams the door*   
  
*All girls look at Kurapika evilly*  
  
Kurapika: Uh...heheheh....^_^;;;  
  
*Scene change to the Nirvana, Hibiki's quarters*  
  
Hibiki: Zzz..snore....*shnork*..Dita...  
  
*Suddenly, two figures teleport into the room, and one suddenly bursts aflame*  
  
Rift:*FOOM* Ow.*starts to scream*AAAGGH!! Put me out! Put me out!  
  
Kurapika: Sheesh. *dumps water on Rift* I told you the Teleporter's overheating...but no...you just won't listen...  
  
Hibiki:*stands up, awake* HEY! *aims blaster at Rift* How'd you get in here?!  
  
Rift: Magic. *holds out a sack* Now, if you'd just kindly get into this bag right here then we'll have no - *Rift falls down* OW! MY LEG! YOU SHOT ME!  
  
Hibiki: Oops, slipped. Heheheheh. *looks as a pot of germaniums materialize over his head* Wha?  
  
*CRASH*  
  
Kurapika: Out like a light. Thank God for Nen.  
  
Rift:*limps to Hibiki's sprawled form* This is for shooting me. *kicks Hibiki in the stomach* Dick. *looks at Kurapika* You know what this means, don't you?  
  
Kurapika: Yeah. One more, and we're home free. *stuffs Hibiki into the sack*  
  
Rift: This is going to be fun.  
  
*Both disappear in a flash of light*  
  
**  
*Slowly, Hibiki wakes up, and realizes that he can't move - looking down, he sees that he's been tied to a chair, immobilized - he looks around some more and sees Ukiya next to him, also in a similar state*  
  
Hibiki: My head. Ouchies. Hey, aren't you that guy from Gatekeepers?  
  
Ukiya: Yep. *struggles a bit* GODDAM IT, RIFT, I'LL KILL YOU FOR THIS!!  
  
*Hibiki is about to tell him to shut his mouth when lights suddenly illuminate the whole place, and in front of them - wearing clothes that would have gotten them arrested in ANY country - appeared Dita, Meia, Jura, Kaoru, Barnette and Ruriko, each with a musical instrument(Dita on lead vocals, Meia on Lead Guitar, Jura on second, Ruriko and Kaoru on Bass and Barnette on drums)*  
  
Ruriko:*smiling nastily* And hello to our captive audience for the day. *laughs*  
  
Dita: Ohayo...Uu-chu-jin-saaaann.....*smiling*  
  
Hibiki and Ukiya: ^_^;;;;; Um...heheheh...  
  
Barnette:*spinning her drumsticks* I am SO going to enjoy this. *grins*  
  
Jura:*stretching her arms up, giving the two a view that would had sent them running with blood spurting from their noses* Just...relax, and we'll give you a show you'll never forget...*winks*  
  
Hibiki:*struggling* WHAT...IS....THIS...ANYWAY?!?!  
  
Kaoru: Oh, relax. This is just something we put up, to make you two choose. We're tired of being toyed with - and if you don't make a choice now...  
  
Meia: Then you never will. *eyes blazing* EVER.  
  
Hibiki and Ukiya:*gulps*  
  
*music starts up, and Dita begins to sing*  
  
Dita:  
  
Oh, I guess it would be nice -  
If you could touch my body  
I know not everybody's got a body   
like me-eee...  
  
But I gotta think twice -  
Before I give my heart away  
And I know all the games you play  
Cause I play them too-ooh...  
  
Oh, and I need some time off  
from that emotion -  
Time to pick my heart up off the floor...  
And it all comes down - to your lack  
of devotion, but Dita's a big girl, baby, and   
I'm showing you that door cause I gotta have -*screams* FAITH!  
  
Chorus:  
  
Gotta Have - Faith!  
  
Gotta Have - Faith!  
  
Gotta Have - Faith!  
  
Ba-by! I know you're asking me to stay  
But pi-pi-please, just stay away  
Cause you're giving me the blues...  
Baby! You might mean all the words you say  
Can't help but think of yesterday  
Of the love that I gave but it never held true and -  
  
Before this river becomes an ocean  
Before you pick my heart up from the floor -  
But it all comes down - to one swift motion -  
Gomen, Uuchujin-san, but I'm showing you the door  
cause I gotta have - FAITH!  
  
Chorus:  
  
Gotta Have - FAITH!  
  
Gotta Have - Faith!  
  
Gotta Have - Faith!  
  
*Meia moves over next to Dita, and they both sing, the tempo of music  
speeding up*  
  
Meia:  
  
Baby - I've just had 'bout enough with you  
Can't help if these feelings are so true  
So I'm telling it to you now -  
Maybe! I'll find the heart to let you see  
If you're really the one for me  
But not definitely right now, Leader's confused right now cause -  
  
I just got out of this emotion-  
I've never felt about somebody like this before -  
You know that this borders on insubordination   
But I guess you'll have to leave now, cause I'm -  
showin' you that door, cause I gotta have - FAITH!  
  
Chorus:  
  
Gotta have - FAITH!  
  
Gotta Have - FAITH!  
  
Gotta Have - FAITH!  
  
*Meia moves back, and lets Jura take over - the blond smiles and takes the mic,  
shouting into it*  
Jura:   
Baby - Oh I am so in love with you  
Jura hopes you feel it too  
but you know this'll never work -  
Maybe! When this war's over and done -  
You'll probably decide who's the one  
And here's hoping that it'd be me, but please think that -  
  
I'm not some kind of third option -  
when all the other girls have turned you down -  
So I'm just going to let you sleep it over -  
And I'm a good girl, really, and I'm -  
showing you that door, cause I gotta have - FAITH!  
  
Chorus:  
  
Gotta Have - Faith!  
  
Gotta Have - Faith!  
  
Gotta Have - Faith!  
  
*Jura passes the mic to Ruriko, and she points it at Ukiya, grinning all the  
while, and then sings*   
  
Ruriko:  
  
Maybe - the insults just got enough for me  
I don't find it cute as you can see  
So I'm telling it to you now -  
Maybe! I'll have the heart to heal you  
Make up, kiss, forgive you  
But not definitely right now, Rurripe's pissed off right now cause -  
  
I just got tired of this emotion-  
You've never treated me this way before -  
I thought you loved me, but now I'm not certain -  
But I guess you'll have to leave now, cause I'm -  
showin' you that door, cause I gotta have - FAITH!  
  
Gotta have - FAITH!  
  
Gotta Have - FAITH!  
  
Gotta Have - FAITH!  
  
*Kaoru moves over to Ruriko's side, and they both sing*  
  
Kaoru:  
  
Baby - so what if sempai's mad at you  
You know I'll always be true to you  
but you know this'll never work -  
Sem-pai! I'm not a fling you throw around  
You can't pick me up when you're so down  
but please listen to what I have to tell -  
  
I'm not some kind of second option -  
when Sempai's slammed you down into the floor -  
Please understand that you're somebody else's man  
And it takes a strong girl, really, and I'm -  
THROWING you that door, cause I gotta have - FAITH!  
  
Chorus:  
  
Gotta Have - Faith!  
  
Gotta Have - Faith!  
  
Gotta Have....FAAAAIIIITTTHHHH!!!  
  
*fade to finish*  
  
Rift:*clapping* Marvelous performance! Jolly good show!  
  
Kurapika:*clapping as well* I agree.  
  
Ukiya:*stunned* Ruriko...Kaoru...I..I never knew...  
  
Hibiki: Me..too...  
  
Ruriko:*laughing nastily* Well, we'll give you time to think about it. Rift, you may proceed.  
  
Rift: As you wish, my lady. *presses button, and the floor under Hibiki and Ukiya opens up, dropping them into a pit*  
  
Hibiki and Ukiya: NYAAAAAAHHHHH!!!  
  
Kurapika:*shouting down into the pit* By the way, that hole you're falling down into is a one-way trip to Talark! Say hello to Grandpa for us, will ya?  
  
Hibiki and Ukiya: Oh NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!  
  
*Owari!*  
  
=================================================================================================  
Uh...okay. So sue me. As always, review if you like. This is the...umm...rough draft of it, and I'm just about had it with these deadlines(read:school) and I'm having no time as it is. Dedicated to all Vandread fans everywhere.  
  
And I did all for the nookie - the nookie.....  
  
Crpt.Rft/KeroChan 


End file.
